An Open Letter to Henry Paulson, Secretary of the Treasury & Bailout CzarDear Sir:
I'm sure you're busy these days what with you handing out $350 Billion of the taxpayer's money and all, but with the auto companies, cities and (yes) credit card companies bellying up to the bailout trough, I'd like this letter to serve as the
Trout Underground's Formal Application of Consideration for Bailout Funding.
It turns out things aren't all that good for anyone, Mr. Paulsen - even fly fishing's top blogs are feeling the strain.
Tight markets have reduced the Underground's fly reserves to the brink of insolvency; the Trout Underground is only weeks away (or a half-dozen BWO hatches) from total emerger bankruptcy, and debentured midge pupae reserves are hardly any better.
It's a little embarrassing to admit, but while the Underground's upper management was joyriding in the corporate jet and practicing adding zeros to the CEO's bonus check, employees heavily leveraged our stock of fly tying materials by shorting subprime West Coast Salmon bellies and investing heavily in California Trout Stocking Futures.
We couldn't possibly have anticipated the perfect storm of legal and environmental events that would decimate West Coast salmon and end CA trout stocking programs, and with our investments going bad faster than a dead trout on a summer day (did you notice the creativity there, Mr. Paulson?), the Underground will soon lack the ability to buy 6x or charge the digital camera's batteries, and will have to cease posting.
The effect on the economy will be immediate and disastrous; the Trout Underground's legions of readers - lacking the distraction which consumes most of their working day - will suddenly turn back to their jobs, and frankly, sir, I don't think that's good.
If it's one thing we've learned the last year, it's this: what's happening beneath the glossy PR exteriors of most corporations is better left hidden. And with upwards of 16,000 former Underground readers
suddenly doing their jobs every month, more shit will inevitably be discovered (can I say "shit" sir?), and the economy will plunge even deeper into the sewer.
Not to embrace cliche, but sir, a quick glance at Alexa's traffic ratings and Technorati's blog rankings should convince you of one thing: the Trout Underground's simply
Too Big to Fail.
Naturally, I'd accept my bailout check with the same oversight terms that were heaped on the financial industry (it's good times again, sir, good times), and yes, I stand ready to road trip it back to DC in the Underground's rapidly decaying 1990 Ford Bronco (no jets here), which looks and smells exactly like you'd think a fishing vehicle should (there will be no charges of elitism to muddy the waters, though you might warn the Secret Service their bomb sniffing dogs won't enjoy the search much).
I look forward to your reply, and since you're considering bailing out the auto and credit industries (would it seem too forward to point out the Underground's never tried to sell you a Hummer or booted your interest rate to 33% because you paid a day late?), I look forward to receiving a check soon.
See you on the river, sir.
Tom Chandler
p.s. - Sir, you are to be commended for streamlining the process - it turns out the
application for the program is only two pages long, which is scarcely any more paperwork than it takes to get a fishing license. I think even a fly fisherman could do this.