First, some background: Orvis is holding a photo contest, with the winning photo appearing on the cover of their next catalog, and I think it’s a widely recognized among everyone that The Underground – should he deign to enter – would win.

That I win this is a foregone conclusion, but you can benefit too...

Easy. No contest.

I’m a photographic savant.

Plus, no other fly fishermen on the planet encompasses the psychographic & demographic boundary-crossing qualities quite like I do; I’m an elitest, bamboo-fly-rod waving sophisticate with literary pretensions, yet my appeal to the redneck/bubba psychographic is clearly demonstrated by:

• My 200,000 mile, dirt-encrusted Bronco Fly Fishing mobile (the interior of which holds enough dirt to irrigate)
• Ownership of para-military camouflage clothing and powerful, appliance-killing firearms
• A willingness to leave dead household appliances in the yard for years at a time

Of course, turn my worn baseball hat sideways and display an all-consuming hatred for everyone on the planet who doesn’t drink Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and I’ll draw fly fishing’s younger, totally awesomely extreme fly fishers to Orvis like flies.

In other words, I’m fly fishing’s Zelig, and clearly The Ultimate Orvis Catalog Poster Child In Fly Fishing’s Post-River Runs Through It Era.

In clear and simple terms, Orvis would be insane to use anyone else.

So why am I telling you this instead of simply winning the contest, then wallowing in the fame sure to follow?

Simple.

With randy fly fishing groupies texting me improper advances on a daily basis – and more lucrative offers pouring in from manufacturers every week – I don’t need more fame.

But you probably do. (Let’s face it, you’re not me, but you want to be.)

So I’m resurrecting my brilliant genius totally screwed unfulfilled FlyFishFromHome.com concept, and offering it to my readers.

If you’ve been living in a cave, FlyFishFromHome.com was my attempt to help fly fishers bypass the learning curve and all the unpleasantness involved with actually going fly fishing, instead moving directly to the reward phase of the sport (the hero/big fish picture).

Just one example of our FlyFishFromHome.com concept

Basically, since it’s a given that one of my photos will win the Orvis contest, I’m offering my readers a chance to bid and win the right to have your face digitally inserted into my winning photograph.

My picture, your face, and the cover of the Orvis catalog. This, I believe, is every fly fishermen’s dream. Here’s why:

• The bamboo fly rod-loving aesthetes among us simply can’t pass up the opportunity to appear on the cover of fly fishing’s most historic catalog; as your friends engage in pretentious one-upmanship on the river, you simply unsheathe the Orvis catalog (you’ll have secured several hundred laminated copies) and the others can do nothing but fall silent
• The redneck/bubbas among the Undergrounders could offer up an Orvis catalog cover as evidence they’re not common white trash before they inevitably utter the words “Hey, watch this” and kill themselves in some Darwinian fashion
• The extreme fly fishermen can denounce their appearance on the cover as proof the bourgeois fly fishing industry is corrupt at its very core (I don’t really know how, but you could), and re-emphasize the fact they still hate all those who fish with more expensive gear than they themselves possess

I know what you’re thinking.

My generosity of spirit is breathtaking.

And yes, I am a real humanitarian.

And all this could be yours (for what amounts to a pittance to most of you, especially now that Singlebarbed’s alerted me that most of you make six+ figure salaries).

After all, what’s the real price of fly fishing immortality?

I’ll be entertaining monetary and in-kind offers in the comments section below, and before you come up with a final figure, remember: You don’t really need health insurance, and your kid will appreciate their college education a lot more if they have to work for it themselves.

See you on the Cover of the Rolling Stone The Orvis Catalog, Tom Chandler.