Posts tagged: snow removal

Special Offer: The Underground’s “Fly Fisherman Core Strengthening Boot Camp” – at 50% Off!

January 25, 2010, by 6 comments

At this very moment, you’re probably surfing porn sitting around asking yourself this very question: “Why wait until spring to get into ‘fly fishing shape’ when I can do it now – and at a hugely discounted price?”

We thought so.

That’s why – in a truly humanitarian gesture – the Trout Underground is pleased to announce that its unique, celebrity endorsed* Fly Fishing Core Strengthening Boot Camp is now available to its readers at less than half price.

“What’s the Underground’s Fly Fishing Core Strengthening Boot Camp” you say?

We’re glad you asked.

It’s day after day of shoveling snow from the TU/Man Cave driveway a proprietary, scientifically proven strengthening program that uses snow the Underground’s patented**, H2O-based viscous elastomeric training material, which is scientifically proven to build core strength in days – not the weeks needed to build it on the river.

snow shovel

Our patent-pending AbMaster

We guarantee you six-pack abs***, powerful lats (whatever the hell they are), steroid-like Mark McGwire-esque arms, and a pyramid-shaped physique (upside-down pyramid) that absolutely slays the babes.

All you have to do is beat the next winter storm up to Trout Underground/Man Cave World Headquarters (that gives you about 18 hours), and we’ll do the rest – including the development of a specific set of core-strengthening exercises designed specifically for you.

Plus, our professional, PhD-level trainers**** will tell you where to shovel supervise your custom training program to produce maximum snow removal results.

BUT WAIT – THERE’S MORE

Not content to simply build a physique that will make you the envy of every man (or woman) in the room?

Ready to do more with your life than simply score the drunkest hottest babes on the planet?

Isn’t it time you reared up on your hind legs and straddled the planet like the colossus you are?

WE AGREE!

That’s why – at no additional charge to you (and remember, you’re getting this all at 50% off already) – we’re prepared to offer you The Trout Underground’s Mental Strength Toughening Program at the same time!! (Yes, that’s two excalamation points.)

Once you’ve completed this course (which involves sleeping in a flimsy tent in the snow and eating inadequate rations of bad food when you’re not shoveling snow), you’ll laugh at everyday trials and tribulations.

You’ll brush off the “get lost, creep” replies from beautiful women that used to stymie you, and never take “no” for an answer again*****.

You’ll look your boss right in the eye, and – secure in the knowledge that he couldn’t shovel snow move a metric ton of the Underground’s patented**, H2O-based viscous elastomeric training material – tell him to take this job and shove it.

In simple terms, we’re not offering you a miserable, frozen week moving snow huge biceps and a good shot at waking up next to a famous Hollywood actress.

No, we’re offering you much, much more: a real shot a frostbite and lingering post-traumatic stress a better, more fulfilling life.

But only if you call now. Operators are standing by to help you take the first step to your new – and much, much better – life******.

“I owe my awesome casting prowess – and ability to score with the babes at will – entirely to the Trout Underground’s Core Strengthening Boot Camp” — Lefty Kreh*******

© 2010, Trout Underground/Man Cave Offshore Ltd.

(*No celebrities endorsed this)
(**Not patented)
(***Not a guarantee)
(****No professionals work here)
(*****Not responsible for loss of job or restraining orders)
(******Survival not guaranteed)
(********He never said this)

The Underground Explains Why Fly Fishermen NEED Winter

February 13, 2009, by 18 comments

After a foot of snow earlier in the week, another foot fell last night, and Satan’s Snowblower is waiting impatiently for me as I type this.

It seems like a long time ago, but it was only two weeks ago I found myself standing on the back deck of the Trout Underground/Man Cave World Headquarters – located in the mountains of Northern California – in a t-shirt. A t-shirt.

That's next year's trout water - with free Bonus Moon!

That's next year's trout water - with free Bonus Moon!

That, my friends, is wrong. WRONG.

That’s because we fly fishermen are dark, moody, tragic types – a barely socialized subset of humanity prone to wearing aluminum foil hats and dying in houses filled with stacks of newspapers and cats.

We, my friends, need to peer into the abyss every once in a while to remind us that life – even life featuring only intermittent episodes of fly fishing – truly is great.

For most of us fly fishermen (except maybe those genetic freaks who live in equatorial climates), winter serves as that abyss – the dark, troutless void that balances the Green Drakes, PMDs and October Caddis of the other seasons. (For some, air travel fills that role.)

In truth, most fly fishermen need winter the same way some pine cones need catastrophic fires to drop their seeds, and friends, the Trout Underground is just now at the point in winter where I’m starting to drop a few seeds.

And yes, California needs the water – and this isn’t one of those catastrophic snowfalls that jam the gears of civilization and put four-wheel drives in ditches – but two feet in a week is a nice start, though I’m already suffering from PSSTSS (Post-Satan’s Snowblower Traumatic Stress Syndrome).

That’s because Beelzebub’s snow removal tool is patient and cunning; it waits quietly, but strikes with cobra swiftness. Earlier this week, it broke at the far end of the driveway, which required a haul up a hill and back to the garage.

Repaired, it then cleverly sucked in a hidden newspaper, which required knuckle-busting disassembly to extract. Finally, in the last minutes of the job, the cursed machine’s control levers simply fell off (a pentagram-shaped push nut had broken, as if we needed final proof of the Cloven Hooved Deceiver’s influence).

It’s not pretty when a man wearing a yazoo hat with furry ear flaps throws a temper tantrum in the snow, but sometimes the abyss does more than just stare back at us. And yes, somebody’s got to keep an eye on next year’s trout water, else some sleazy multinational will steal it away.

More deep thoughts on snow removal after the driveway’s clear.

UPDATE: Haha! Satan’s Snowblower has broken again… Well played, demon machine.

See you in the snow, Tom Chandler.