First, some background: Orvis is holding a photo contest, with the winning photo appearing on the cover of their next catalog, and I think it’s a widely recognized among everyone that The Underground – should he deign to enter – would win.

That I win this is a foregone conclusion, but you can benefit too...

Easy. No contest.

I’m a photographic savant.

Plus, no other fly fishermen on the planet encompasses the psychographic & demographic boundary-crossing qualities quite like I do; I’m an elitest, bamboo-fly-rod waving sophisticate with literary pretensions, yet my appeal to the redneck/bubba psychographic is clearly demonstrated by:

• My 200,000 mile, dirt-encrusted Bronco Fly Fishing mobile (the interior of which holds enough dirt to irrigate)
• Ownership of para-military camouflage clothing and powerful, appliance-killing firearms
• A willingness to leave dead household appliances in the yard for years at a time

Of course, turn my worn baseball hat sideways and display an all-consuming hatred for everyone on the planet who doesn’t drink Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and I’ll draw fly fishing’s younger, totally awesomely extreme fly fishers to Orvis like flies.

In other words, I’m fly fishing’s Zelig, and clearly The Ultimate Orvis Catalog Poster Child In Fly Fishing’s Post-River Runs Through It Era.

In clear and simple terms, Orvis would be insane to use anyone else.

So why am I telling you this instead of simply winning the contest, then wallowing in the fame sure to follow?

Simple.

With randy fly fishing groupies texting me improper advances on a daily basis – and more lucrative offers pouring in from manufacturers every week – I don’t need more fame.

But you probably do. (Let’s face it, you’re not me, but you want to be.)

So I’m resurrecting my brilliant genius totally screwed unfulfilled FlyFishFromHome.com concept, and offering it to my readers.

If you’ve been living in a cave, FlyFishFromHome.com was my attempt to help fly fishers bypass the learning curve and all the unpleasantness involved with actually going fly fishing, instead moving directly to the reward phase of the sport (the hero/big fish picture).

Just one example of our FlyFishFromHome.com concept

Basically, since it’s a given that one of my photos will win the Orvis contest, I’m offering my readers a chance to bid and win the right to have your face digitally inserted into my winning photograph.

My picture, your face, and the cover of the Orvis catalog. This, I believe, is every fly fishermen’s dream. Here’s why:

• The bamboo fly rod-loving aesthetes among us simply can’t pass up the opportunity to appear on the cover of fly fishing’s most historic catalog; as your friends engage in pretentious one-upmanship on the river, you simply unsheathe the Orvis catalog (you’ll have secured several hundred laminated copies) and the others can do nothing but fall silent
• The redneck/bubbas among the Undergrounders could offer up an Orvis catalog cover as evidence they’re not common white trash before they inevitably utter the words “Hey, watch this” and kill themselves in some Darwinian fashion
• The extreme fly fishermen can denounce their appearance on the cover as proof the bourgeois fly fishing industry is corrupt at its very core (I don’t really know how, but you could), and re-emphasize the fact they still hate all those who fish with more expensive gear than they themselves possess

I know what you’re thinking.

My generosity of spirit is breathtaking.

And yes, I am a real humanitarian.

And all this could be yours (for what amounts to a pittance to most of you, especially now that Singlebarbed’s alerted me that most of you make six+ figure salaries).

After all, what’s the real price of fly fishing immortality?

I’ll be entertaining monetary and in-kind offers in the comments section below, and before you come up with a final figure, remember: You don’t really need health insurance, and your kid will appreciate their college education a lot more if they have to work for it themselves.

See you on the Cover of the Rolling Stone The Orvis Catalog, Tom Chandler.

Too busy shredding damaging financial documents prior to the Board Meeting to fly where the really dumb fish are?

Want to capture the timeless, spiritual essence of the fly fishing experience… without enduring the inconvenience?

The Trout Underground hears you, my friends. And after years of development, we’ve got Your Answer:

Why risk your life for big fish "hero" pics when we can do it for you?

Let’s face it – the places you go to catch big fish are dirty, filthy, unpaved outdoor wildernesses where dangerous wild animals roam, apparently defecating and urinating wherever the hell they want.

That’s not just dangerous, it’s unsanitary. And we’re not even going to tell you what fish do in that river – which you could very easily fall into.

It’s clear you want nothing to do with nature.

So how do you get your fly fishing hero shot – and impress your friends and family?

Think Hiring a Guide Will Solve Your Problem?

Think again.

Truth is, fly fishing guides are (genetically speaking) Neanderthals with apparent allergies to basic personal hygiene (don’t stand downwind). Some don’t even wash their hands after touching a slimy trout, and god forbid you should leave them alone with your two-decades younger trophy wife for even five minutes.

And yes, we believe the rumors are true: many fly fishing guides actually enjoy the taste of human flesh.

What’s a busy guy to do – especially one who doesn’t want to have his arm gnawed off?

Big Rainbows? Big Browns? Grayling? We Got 'em All!

At FlyFishFromHome.com, we understand your sad, sad plight. And we can help. In fact, you’ll never have to leave the house to get great hero shots.

How Can We Help?

We maintain a huge stock of hero photographs and a staff of Photoshop experts – ready to carefully retouch a photograph of your face in place of our stunt fishermen’s face.

Our extensive collection of hero shots are taken in all seasons and in all river types (don’t forget to specify freestone, stillwater, alpine meadow or spring creek).

For those with specific fish needs, we’ve also got face-ready photos with big, drippy Rainbow Trout, Steelhead, Brook Trout and Brown Trout (carp & pikeminnows available at extra charge).

For a slight extra charge, we’ll even retouch the fly fishing shirt or wading jacket to match yours!

What? You’re a Younger Executive or Trust Funder?

No problem – we’re constantly adding to our large inventory of faux-trout-bum poseur photographs, complete with aggressive stances, $700 waders needleslly patched with duct tape, and cans of cheap beer stacked up in the background .

For a nominal fee, our artists will even add three days of stubble to  your face – or plaster a pine cone in your hair you got from “sleeping in the dirt!”

Believe me, there’s nothing more extreme than not going someplace remote – especially if those remote places include rebels with cattle prods and basically hostile attitudes (and they all do, trust me).

Not Enough? Need More?

For the soulful poseur, we’ve got stunning, poetic vistas – great for impressing the babes who haven’t yet discovered you’re a shallow human being (gals, these impress the guys too).

Want to show off your poetic, romantic side? We've got you covered!

All we need is a photograph of you, and our Photoshop experts will transport you to some of the world’s most beautiful fly fishing destinations – without risking a bout of Monezuma’s Revenge, lost luggage, or airline food poisoning that incapacitates both your flight’s pilots in mid-air (which as you know, happens a lot).

When Even the Best Isn’t Enough

Sometimes, you need something truly special.

Which is why we’re happy to announce Two Special Custom Services!

#1 The Luxe Package

For a custom touch, we’ll find a stunt fisherman of approximately your height and build, outfit him with the same waders, clothing & fly fishing equipment – then send him to the river of your choice! (Frankly, we even amazed oursevles with this one).

Want proof that fly pattern you “invented” actually works? Always wanted to fish the Henry’s Fork, but just don’t have the time?

Want a photograph of a radiant bonefish flat featuring you, a big bone, and a hot babe in an aqua bikini standing right next to you? (That’ll impress the hell out of your friends, trust us).

This truly custom experience comes complete with digital originals featuring altered date signatures – which can “prove” you were out on the river instead of shacked up in a Motel 6 with your secretary.

We stock a wide range of stream types and weather conditions

#2 Extreme Video Package

How would you like to find yourself at the center of your very own extreme, dirtbag-style fly fishing video adventure?

Through the miracle of digital video, you can impress your friends, traveling the world and catching big, dumb, never-fished-for trout. Don’t believe we can do it?

Well, you’re wrong.

Two years ago, FlyFishFromHome.com sent four fishermen all the way to Mongolia and back – simulating every aspect of the trip on video (including fermented Yak milk hangovers) – yet our stars never left the safety and comfort of their own homes!

You can catch Roosterfish from a dune buggy in Baja. Or appear in a major fly fishing & conservation television show, impressing everyone with your commitment to fighting multinational corporations.

And you can do it all without leaving your house.

We’ll even include a tragically hip soundtrack, so your friends know you’ve also got great taste in garage/indie music. Ready to order?

What? Still Not Convinced (What’s Wrong With You?)

Maybe you’re not convinced we can deliver. Or maybe you’re considering just going fly fishing and taking your chances.

To that, we have this to say: Don’t be stupid.

Our expert retouchers will produce finished artwork so authentic, you’ll actually start to believe you went fly fishing.

In fact, our expert staff is so good, we’ve generated the cover photos of the last 40 issues of Fly Fishermen magazine from a single photograph.

With that kind of track record, you simply can’t say no.

But Wait, There’s More!

Ever wanted to cast and fish a rare, collectible bamboo fly rod from a contemporary or past master – but you found it too expensive (or you can’t cast)?

Purchase any of the packages listed above, and – at no additional cost – you can see yourself expertly casting a Garrisson, Payne, Paul Young, Leonard bamboo fly rod.

Nothing says “I’m frankly cooler than you are” better than a bamboo fly rod – especially when the person holding it (who happens not to be you) can actually cast the thing.

Sadly, this free bamboo option is only available for a limited time.

So visit FlyFishFromHome.com today – and order up that fly fishing trip of a lifetime!

p.s. – Coming soon – BrownlineFromHome.com, where all your carp and sucker dreams will be realized – without ever having to touch that icky brown water…