Given the state of fly fishing today, he’s not a moment too soon. If you don’t know, Cool Eddie first appeared on the Underground years ago (we’ve been doing this more than four years), and he keeps popping in.

Not exactly a card-carrying member of the Tweed Establishment, it’s hard to imagine the extreme types would claim him either.

Some people say he makes them shoot coffee out their nose. Others are simply not amused.

The only constant has been the following: I’m not Cool Eddie.

Without further embellishment:

Hey Dude!

Long-time no-hear! Things got a little dicey for me there for a while. Got into a little trouble with the long arm of the law. Again. Guy told me about “stranger insurance” and I tried it out a couple of times.

I didn’t spend too much of the money, so I got it plead down to a few misdemeaner counts. Had to make restitution, and all that. I was afraid I’d end up in the joint again, but all I got was the electronic bracelet.

So I finally got into town and logged on to your site. Man you are doing such a great job! I really got a chuckle out of the tear drop trailer thingy, cause I live in something close to that shape. But it’s a tent. I don’t know if you have heard about Slab City, but I been hanging out there for the last few months. The weather is getting too hot, and the flies are just terrible. Nobody covers their shit and it is a real bummer with the smell and the flies. So time to head north.

Still thinking about the guide thing. I been talking to a guy down here who used to do a lot of that in Europe. He says his name is Ed Zachery, but he doesn’t look like no Ed to me. Maybe Abdulla or Ali. But I don’t profile. Heh heh.

Anyway, he says the French nymphing and Czech nymphing stuff is “passe”. (I don’t know really what that means, but he uses that word like all the time.) and the hot rod setup is the German nymphing technique. It’s called “Flankenfokker”. Sounds cool. Kinda like fartgenugen or whatever VW says, you know? Have you heard of it? He says a lot of guides up your way use it. He says the key to the system is red plastic beads and tooth picks. Maybe you could ask around for me?

Well anyway, I gotta go for now. The guy that is letting me use his computer is coming back to the table. My laptop that Mom gave me got confiscated during the last run in I had with the cops. It sucks not being able to write to you more often. But hey, like I said, I’m coming north. Maybe I could like show up around Mt. Shasta and hang with you? There must be some cheap camp grounds up there, no?

And maybe you could like fix me up with some of the local guides? Tell em I know Flankenfokker! Man I could be the best! And I heard you dudes are going bugshit with the dope up there, too. That’s cool with me. I know how to trim buds, too! Yea, that’s me, a bud-trimmin Flankenfokker! Man is this gonna be a cool summer for me or what?

Peace,
Cool Eddie

p.s. – Cool Eddie explains his aversion to art in the comments here. Don’t shoot coffee out your nose.

Those with common sense, disgust for those who mistake a chipmunk for a rattlesnake, or a weak stomach may want to turn away.

Best wishes to them both, and we hope Myrna returns home soon.

Sure, you could become a guide and get paid, but everyone knows you’re not fly fishing when you’re guiding – you’re simply holding the hands of people who can’t fish, but have more money than you.

Besides, guiding’s a one-way ticket to an advanced degree in body piercing, courtesy clients who can’t cast.

No, my little Undergrounders – your path to professional status comes via the Pikeminnow Sport Reward Fishery, a power-company funded attempt to preserve Salmon and Steelhead in the Columbia and Snake rivers.

Sure, a few nattering nabobs will say that controlling predators across an entire ecosystem in an attempt to bolster a fading species is a one-way ticket to the environmental equivalent of the fiery abyss, but I’m pretty sure they’re just jealous eggheads who couldn’t catch a Pikeminnow if it jumped into their hands.

From the Pikeminnow Sport Reward Site:

In the 2008 season, we will pay anglers for fish 9 inches and larger. The reward will remain the same at $4-$8 for each northern pikeminnow caught in the lower Columbia (mouth to Priest Rapids Dam) and Snake (mouth to Hells Canyon Dam) rivers. This year’s qualifying tagged fish will be worth $500.

Lemme see: if all the Internet stories we read are true, then most Internet Experts Who Couldn’t Catch a Non-Virtual Fish fly fishermen could clear a couple hundred a day.

For some, that only covers the daily cost of cigars hookers and booze, but for rugged individuals knowledgable in the ways of the wily Pikeminnow (like the grubstake-seeking Singlebarbed), it’s a plan for retirement in five years or less.

I say we quit our jobs en masse and establish a Pikeminnow Bum camp on the Columbia.

It’s Friday, most of you have started drinking already, so who’s with me? (Pumping fist in the air, fight-the-power style.)

I say we can’t miss.

See you at the Pikeminnow check-in station (and I’ll be rich), Tom Chandler.

pikeminnow, pikeminnow sport reward fishery, singlebarbed, fly fishing guide, fly fishing, fishing, professional fisherman, drinking on Friday

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