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A Word From The Underground’s Spin Doctor Dept.

April 4, 2012, by Tom Chandler 4 comments

In what I’d assert is proof of a stunning lack of common sense, California Fly Fisher publisher Richard Anderson is running for county supervisor in Nevada County, CA.

Normally, I stay away from political races, but given our recent trials with the Siskiyou County Board of Supervisors, I’ve decided you can’t really take those offices for granted.

And besides, if we had more fly fishermen running things, it’s likely casting instruction would enjoy a public subsidy.

(Who shares my Utopian vision of our shared future?)

So if you live in the area and can vote, then vote.

And if you happen to run a SuperPac with millions of dollars at your disposal, well, even better.

See you at the Spin Doctor’s Ball, Tom Chandler.

The Official Beverage Of Small Stream Fly Fishermen (Uh, Not Safe For Work)

March 29, 2012, by Tom Chandler 8 comments

You know those steelheaders who drink Pabst Blue Ribbon because they think it makes them cool?

Well, they’re a bunch of pussies.

Introducing the Underground’s Officially Highly Manly Drink of Extreme Small Stream Dry Fly Purists:

See you with minerals, Tom Chandler.

Spring Break Just Isn’t What It’s Cracked Up To Be

March 27, 2012, by Tom Chandler 8 comments
Spring Break

Their Spring Break

Spring Break

It never seems to look like this up here

Our Spring Break

Shasta Spring Break

About 7" already today...

Around the holidays, snow is cool. Hell, it’s welcomed.

In late March, it just feels like piling on.

The Fly Fishing Poacher’s Guide To Winter Fishing

March 20, 2012, by Tom Chandler 40 comments
Small stream

At some point in his (or her) career, every fly fisherman has considered poaching.

Small stream

Worth a potential run-in with the warden?

The largely unfished streams are just burbling along, closed only because someone says they’re supposed to be, which in the light of a modern catch & release ethos seems rather like poor public policy.

After a couple beers, it can grow to feel more like a clear violation of your constitutional rights.

In fact, for an effete, catch and release fly fisherman who who rarely kills anything, the concept of off-season poaching can easily acquire a patina of righteous indignation; I don’t get to fish because some fools find it necessary to kill everything they catch?

The Spineless Felon

We’re experiencing a drought and the weather (until the last week) has been damned pleasant, yet all my little streams remain as far out of reach as if they flowed on the dark side of the moon.

It’s almost as if California Fish & Game doesn’t care that I have new fly fishing tackle to test.

It’s circumstances like these which push me to plan the perfect crime.

Questions arise (and are answered). Hypotheticals are crafted (and gamed to their conclusion).

Where can I leave the truck so the warden (ours is good) won’t suspect a fishermen?

What’s inaccessible to all but a skier (likely ruling out the warden).

What streams offer minimal exposure to onlookers? What are my “Oh shit” emergency escape routes?

I even start ticking through a mental tackle list.

Civil Disobedience, Long-Rod Style

As you can see, I’m already deeply enmeshed in an activity I won’t ever bring to fruition, but I’d like to think I could pull it off, if only as a form of biologically-correct civil disobedience.

And I’ll admit it right here: I actually did poach private water in my younger years, and frankly, I don’t feel too bad about that.

It was the mid-70s in Southern California, and my family lived within bike-riding distance of a manmade lake which featured crappie, bass, catfish and bluegill.

It was big and built by a developer, so houses ringed it and there really weren’t that many places to fish, but myself and a couple of junior-high friends badly needed to fish it.

It also featured a lake patrol, who cruised around in a boat throwing out the people who weren’t wearing the big buttons that signified a resident of the area (I think they featured a “W”).

We didn’t know about this last bit until we found ourselves standing on the shore while a couple of slightly older kids (not with us) hustled past and asked us to “watch their stuff for a second” while they “did something.”

We stood there like field mice before the thresher, though we eventually learned a few useful dodges of our own (fish at night; bring plastic guns so we could ditch the rods and appear to be playing war; fish near tall grass and simply flop down when the patrol idled by).

I’m saddened to say we never did hit upon the idea of counterfeiting the badges, but it remains my first real lesson in the divide between the haves and the have-nots (in terms of fishing access — it’s not like my family was starving).

I think about those early fishing trips more for the gradually dawning realization that fishing was proving as interesting as I’d imagined it was, but then, I now find myself living in a place with a lot of public access, and I’m drawn to streams that may not have been fished in years — water guaranteed to attract the bare minimum of fisherman.

So maybe those early experiences left their mark.

(For the benefit of any law enforcement officials reading this, this is not a poacher’s manifesto; let’s simply consider it an exercise in hypotheticals — wargames conducted in the event an oppressive, anti-fish regime ever seizes control of Siskiyou County.)

Still, I’m curious about my largely sociopathic readers. So today’s question is a multi-parter:

  1. Have you ever knowingly poached? (Mind the statute of limitations)
  2. Do you ever construct elaborate, illegal fishing plans with no intention of carrying them out?
  3. Do you own several pieces of camouflage clothing, yet don’t hunt?
  4. Anyone know how to hide a full-sized Ford Bronco?

See you in the hoosegow, Tom Chandler.

Because We’re Zombie Aware, We’re Reading The Blood Knot Magazine

March 7, 2012, by Tom Chandler 6 comments
The Blood Knot Black Issue

I’m basically the Walking Dead this month (more on that soon), which is why I’m reading The Blood Knot ezine.

It not only tells you what you’ll need to keep zombies in check, it also throws a few Molotov cocktails at the sport itself with gems like:

  • An ad urging you to donate and help 45+ White Males buy fly fishing gear
  • The joys of pegging beads (not so much)
  • Field & Stream subscription whines (classic stuff)
  • Fly fishing (and other) gear needed to survive the zombie apocalypse
  • Unusual fishing-related deaths

Plus plenty more. Underground recommended. Really. Because (and we quote), “Together, with your help, we can preserve a failing business model.”

The Blood Knot Black Issue

The Blood Knot Black Issue (don't miss it)

Once Again, We Revolutionize Small Stream Fly Fishing…

March 4, 2012, by Tom Chandler 13 comments
Camo morphsuit

There are times when you just can’t sneak up on those small stream trout without going all ninja on ‘em.

And frankly, nothing says “I’m a small stream ninja/fly fisherman” better than a… camo Morphsuit:

Camo morphsuit

The Camo Morphsuit (for almost any non black-tie occasion)

Before you laugh in a bitter, contemptuous fashion, consider this:

…

Ah, hell — I got nothing.

This is the product for the ninja that other ninjas laugh at. The sniper who’s eventually killed by his own troops.

Or the small stream fly fisherman who is shot by some rancher who thinks he’s putting a gangrenous cow out of its misery.

Frankly, I think we should pool our money and buy Singlebarbed one of these bad boys (you can breath and drink through it) printed with the hazardous materials symbol.

At the very least, nobody will bother him while he’s fishing.

If you don’t feel like your life is already enough of a travesty, you can purchase a 100% lycra morphsuit for almost any occasion (they even have a tuxedo model), provided, of course, the occasions you experience are mostly of a deeply embarrassing nature.

Morphsuit website

Proof I'm not making this shit up...

See you looking good, Tom Chandler.

p.s. — if you need further proof of the Coming Apocalypse, consider this: Morphsuit has 963,300+ likes on Facebook…

Meet Your New Musical Robot Overlords…

February 29, 2012, by Tom Chandler 7 comments

This is so not fly fishing related that I’m sure to receive a couple emails, but University of Pennsylvania engineers programmed their “autonomous” quadrotor robots to play… the theme from James Bond.

Damn.

Keep in mind the robots are programmed to go to a certain place and perform a certain act, but how they get there — without hitting anything — is up to them.

Next they’ll train these suckers to cast a fly rod.

Humanity should probably just hand over the keys to the planet right now.

The Sage ONE Fly Rod Video You Wish They’d Release

February 27, 2012, by Tom Chandler 15 comments

I’m writing a lot of video projects and testing new scriptwriting software, and after I received a late-to-the-party email challenging me to do better than Sage did for their hypish ONE fly rod announcment,  I thought I’d powder two birds with one software test. Ladies, Gentlemen and Undergrounders, I give you:

The video Sage should have used to launch the ONE fly rod:

NOW THAT’S ACCURACY/SAGE ONE AD

EXT. DRIFT BOAT – DAY

A FLY FISHERMAN stands at the front of a drift boat, the GUIDE at the oars behind him. The guide is talking around the whistle clamped firmly in his teeth.

GUIDE

(finishing sentence)

...and when I blow the whistle, you set the hook.

FLY FISHERMAN

Really? A whistle?

GUIDE

(Oblivious, staring at water)

Wait for it... wait for...

FLY FISHERMAN

Seriously, you can forget the tip.

GUIDE

Waaaaiiiit foooorrrrr iiiit...

FLY FISHERMAN

(calmly)

If you blow that damned whistle I’ll kill you.

CUT TO:

Closeup of GUIDE’s face, cheeks puffed out as he blows the whistle.

GUIDE

SCHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! SCHREEE... arghhh.

Whiplash noise. Whistle shriek stops, whistle falls out of GUIDE’S mouth. He looks surprised, then face goes blank.

CUT TO:

Closeup of FLY FISHERMAN’s face as blood splatters across it.

Camera pulls back from FLY FISHERMAN and over the GUIDE’s shoulder. Guide stands unsteadily, turns 3/4 to camera, reveals a five-weight fly rod sticking through his chest. Blood spurts like a Monty Python skit.

FLY FISHERMAN’s face pops up over the GUIDE’s shoulder, peers down as the GUIDE slowly slumps to the floor.

FLY FISHERMAN

Through the heart. Wow, that Sage ONE rod really is accurate.

GUIDE gurgles, falls noisily off the bottom of the frame to the drift boat floor.

> FADE TO BLACK

SUPER: Sage Logo

VOICE OVER: The Sage ONE. Hit what you’re aiming at every time.

All this should be white…

February 16, 2012, by Tom Chandler 2 comments
wpid-IMG_20120216_144907.jpg

image

It’s the middle of February and this should literally be buried under several feet of snow (it’s the Forest Service property a half mile “up” from the house).

It’s pleasant going now, but it’s going to be tough sledding on the small streams this summer.

Useful Rule Of Thumb For Fly Fishing With A Guide

February 16, 2012, by Tom Chandler No comments yet
Fly fishing guide shirt

Not every guide wears a shirt embroidered with somebody’s “Pro Staff” logo on it:

Fly fishing guide shirt

Good rule of thumb for those fishing from drift boats...

I shot this last summer, and everyone who knows the guide in question also knows he’s kidding, though I suppose this would provide a useful reminder to those with a tendency to drop their backcasts…

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