It’s the Vernal Equinox (the first day of spring) and despite the fact it’s cold and rainy outside, it’s still spring, with all the promise that implies.

And I’m realizing if I want to get those weekend small stream trips in, I’d better get them on the calendar in advance.

Which made me think of Singlebarbed, who I need to lure up here to babysit while I fish for a repeat of our small stream adventure of a few years ago (though this time sans the hyper-aggressive mosquitoes).

That led me to count the days until the general trout opener (April 27), which somehow led me to this — the kind of honest TV commercial the outdoor products world desperately needs, but simply doesn’t get. Sadly, it seems likely my genius will remain unrecognized:

EXT. DAY -- SMALL ALPINE MEADOW STREAM

Quiet, pastoral alpine meadow stream setting. The stream bubbles along happily, the birds sing. A deer grazes peacefully at forest’s edge. It’s beautiful.

Suddenly, a tall, lanky man (FRED) wearing too-large waders enters frame, running crazily left to right, arms flailing wildly in the air. There’s a hint of a dark cloud around him.

SFX

Muffled screams, panicked whining noises.

FRED exits right hand edge of frame. Camera loses him, then jerks right just in time to pick him up -- still flailing -- as he topples into the stream.

SFX

Strangled “urghh” and splash.

NARRATOR

Today FRED had his first encounter with vicious alpine mosquitoes.

Camera holds steady. FRED does not surface.

NARRATOR

FRED did not bring Singlebarbed mosquito repellent. He will not make that mistake again.

Camera moves toward stream, slowly pans down. We see FRED on his back just under the surface of the water, his palms out as if he’s using them to hold himself under the surface of the water.

SFX

Mosquito “dental drill whine” sound starts, slowly builds.

Camera continues to close in. We see FRED’S increasingly frantic face, bubbles escaping from his mouth.

NARRATOR

FRED is learning how to hold his breath. It turns out he can’t do it very long.

SFX

Mosquito whine continues to build, climaxes.

Picture dissolves to beauty shot (white seamless) of bottle of Singlebarbed Brand Mosquito Repellent.

NARRATOR

Singlebarbed Brand Mosquito Repellant. When repelling mosquitoes is more important than the integrity of your DNA.

Single animated mosquito buzzes into frame, lands on bottle of Singlebarbed, then falls off, dead.

SFX

Bzzzzzz....erp.

NARRATOR

(low voice)

May induce side effects including coughing, skin rash, oily anal discharge, loss of feeling just below your right elbow, sloughing off of genitals, paranoia, an affinity for speed metal, and death.

See you planning to fish someplace beautiful, Tom Chandler.