Let’s face it; the IFTD industry trade show is boring, and unless you’re into killing brain cells by the millions with cheap beer, it’s not even much fun.

After all, we’re talking about a bunch of paunchy guys wearing pastel-colored synthetic shirts convincing other guys to buy stuff so they can sell it to fly fishermen who don’t actually need it.

That, my friends, is a one-way ticket to snoozeville. (“We’ve leveraged space-shuttle-derived unobtainum resin-x materials to produce the finest [rod/reel/clothing] the universe has ever se… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”)

Fortunately, the Underground offers a bold solution that not only renders the multi-day IFTD show unnecessary, it also makes fly fishing shows fun again.

Behold (and Be Prepared to Weep

Ladies, gentlemen and Undergrounders, we give you the Trout Underground/Soul Train Line Dance/Fly Fishing Industry Extravaganza.

If you didn’t watch Soul Train growing up (and what the hell’s wrong with you), here’s the basic idea; we simply line up buyers, and give manufacturers 30 seconds to sell their product via the Power of Interpretive Dance.

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I know. You’re struck speechless by the splendor – the sheer majesty of the idea.

Simms wants to convince us to drop $700 on zippered waders? It’s an easier sell once you’ve seen Simms Prez KC Walsh do the Electric Bugaloo wearing a pair.

Orvis says their new waders offer better fit?

I’ll buy their pitch – after Orvis Marketing Guy Tom Rosenbauer goes all James Brown in the things, doing the splits and yes – popping right back up again.

And frankly, is there a better way to test sunglasses? If you can’t look cool wearing them in the IFTD Line Dance, you’ll look like a badly constipated senior citizen in the real world.

Frankly, the possibilities are boundless.

The Other Benefits?

In one highly danceable swoop, we’ve done away with all that insufferable posing at the casting pond; it doesn’t matter if you can cast most of a fly line – now you have to do it while busting a move and wearing sequined platform wading boots.

That should separate the men from the bloggers.

And those unspeakably boring “journalistic” videos of manufacturers grinning into the camera and unsurprisingly suggesting their new products are better than candy bars during sex?

Nobody will suffer through another bland talking head when they could watch Yvon Chounaird moonwalking in Patagucci’s new wading boots – while Aretha Franklin rocks it in the background (“what it is, what it is…“).

Manufacturers will save thousands on their useless, knotty pine trade show booths, and buyers will know instantly whether their sales rep has rhythm, or he’s just another danceless fly fishing drone.

(For those in the fly fishing industry who can’t dance, we offer help: “The Men’s Emergency Guide to Dancing” video.)

Pulitzer, Here We Come

I know what you’re thinking.

“How does he keep coming up with innovative (dare I say brilliant) ways to save the fly fishing industry – and why doesn’t anyone listen?”

Frankly, it confuses me too.

See you on the dance floor, Tom Chandler.

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