I’m still months away from the Big Five-O (and likely decades away from retirement) and already the AARP are fixing me in their sights.

AARP letter

Sure, I'm all tired and creaky and shit, but the AARP can't have me...

For the record, those AARP bastards won’t get me for a long, long time.

Hell, I’m in as good a shape as I was when I was 26 and I broke my leg playing softball.

I’m like a Greek God, only without hair.

And sure, yeah – I’ve noticed a few tendencies over the last five years.

If I hike to that backcountry lake one day, I feel it the next. But that doesn’t make me old.

I’m just more aware of what’s going on with my joints.

And yes, while many political figures offer singular proof that age doesn’t bring wisdom, in my case, it’s brought a few of what you might call realizations.

For example, the earth is expanding.

I know. How has NASA not noticed?

That alpine meadow stream – formerly just an easy fifteen minute hike – took more than 20 minutes to reach last season.

The only possible explanation? The expanding curve of the earth has increased the distance.

The increasing mass of the earth also explains the stronger gravity waves holding down almost everything these days: fly fishing packs, waders, boots – even small children.

Clearly, the increasing gravification of the planet threatens our very way of life, yet as near as I can tell, not one scientist has sounded the alarm.

Once again, the world needs me, and the Underground answers the call.

I plan to sit right here (popping aspirin to protect myself from dangerous gravity waves), and monitor the situation.

No need to thank me, though – if you are as alarmed as I am – please send multiple six packs of measured, 12-ounce weights which I can use for purely scientific purposes.

It’s a sacrifice, but one I make gladly.

See you being vigilant, Tom Chandler.

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