Wrestling upwards of 18″ of wet snow around the Trout Underground/Man Cave World Headquarters Compound puts me into a coma meditative state, and after nearly two hours of backbreaking labor deep thought, I hit upon an idea.

Snow is NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard).

In fact, while the intellectual side of me understands the need for snowpack as a storage medium to feed the state’s water needs, my emotional side is beginning to think the snowpack would be a hell of a lot happier a little farther up the hill (maybe concentrated in the lot of that guy with the huge tractor).

Snow is pretty, but causes blisters.

Snow is pretty, but creates blisters. Now it's your turn, Undergrounders.

Driving this cutting-edge thinking is this: I’m keenly aware I’m up here sweating like Patrick Ewing over next year’s trout water while my Southern California readers sip wine spritzers handed to them by live-in servants, leaning back in their Italian leather lounge chairs, and saying things like “I say, Muffy, I do so love the sound of the rain pelting the roof of our palatial home, especially since I don’t have to move it with a snowblower.”

Rain, as you know, requires little maintenance, and barring a mudslide, it basically runs right out into the gutter.

Snow, on the other hand, is the stuff that makes life in the rest of California possible, but requires a tremendous amount of human labor to move.

This, I believe, is manifestly unfair.

After all, not only do the Central & Southern California Undergrounders catch trout (and stripers, and salmon, and whatever) in water I personally shoveled during the winter, they also use it to water their imported orchid collections (or whatever).

Which is why the following Groundbreaking Underground Program makes so much sense, I’m actually clearing a space on my mantel for the inevitable Nobel Prize:

The Trout Underground/Man Cave Snow Transferal Work Program.

Essentially, my no-good, slacker readers California fans – who benefit mightily from my snow-throwing labor the whole fishing season – will be required (by law) to drive north just prior to the next big snowstorm.

Once here, they will remove the snow from my driveway while I sip at drinks decorated with paper umbrellas.

Naturally, this isn’t something I do to make my own life easier.

Nope. The Underground’s doing all this for you.

It’s a well-known fact that we appreciate the things we work for far more than the things that are handed to us.

And while it will just kill me to recline in comfort and get my temples massaged while the Undergrounders toil away in my 200′ long driveway, I’m willing to make that sacrifice so my readers will better appreciate next season’s trout fishing.

See? It’s a classic Underground “I suffer so my readers can win” situation (sorta like win/win, but with way more blisters.)

Even from this great distance, I can already feel the upwelling of gratitude from my readers, who were apparently too lazy to take advantage of my earlier 50% off deal on the Fly Fishermen’s Core Strengthening Program.

Now – at absolutely no cost (unless you count the inevitable visit to the chiropractor) – you can build the foundation for the enjoyment of the whole rest of your fly fishing season.

Imagine the contentment you’ll feel after the season opens, and you’re fishing the Lower Sacramento – secure in the knowledge that you helped make those life-giving flows possible.

See you during the next snowstorm, Tom Chandler.

Posted in Underground Entertainment and tagged , , .