An Underground News Exclusive: Nestle & Westlands to Merge, Bring New Economy of Scale to Evil
By Tom Chandler on Apr 1, 2008 in News, Opinion
Anonymous sources have revealed startling news to the Trout Underground New Bureau: Nestle Waters of North America and Westlands Irrigation District have agreed to merge, forming a single multinational bent on world domination of water supplies.
An anonymous Nestle source said the idea for the merger came about after a round of golf between the Westlands and Nestle corporate hit men operatives.
“Both groups were here screwing over the town of McCloud, which doesn’t take that much time, so we met for a game of golf.”
Water Hazards the Key
“There we were on the golf course, doing tequila shooters out of hollowed out golf balls and pumping the water hazards dry, and we suddenly realized that Nestle and Westlands had the exact same core competency — usurping local control of water supplies with destructive water extraction projects.”
“Why not simply join forces?
“After all, there’s an economy of scale to evil too.”
Industry Buzz
Industry watchers hailed the proposed merger as the biggest news to come out of the extractive industry since the 1872 Mining Act.
Industry analyst Chip Tanbark said “Westlands has long been a leader in profiting from taxpayer-subsidized water projects that never should have been built, and Nestle is the de facto leader in the privatization of water for their own profit.”
“Westland’s groundbreaking lawsuit forcing the American taxpayer to clean up their selenium poisoning mess and their draining of the Trinity for their own profit still rank as some of the ballsiest moves ever.”
“I still get goose bumps just thinking about them.”
Tanbark continued: “Combine that kind of proven market aggressiveness with Nestle’s intimidating legal prowess, international footprint, and absolute disregard for local populations - including breastfeeding children - and you’ve got a match made in heaven.”
Speculation about the operation’s new CEO was running rampant, though early frontrunners included Sisikiyou County Supervisor Marcia Armstrong, Dr. Evil of Austin Powers fame, and Boris & Natasha, who had been at loose ends since ceasing their Moose and Squirrel eradication program.
Technorati Tags: nestle,westlands,water extraction,extractive industry,privatization of water,dr evil,boris and natasha,april fools
eric | Apr 1, 2008 | Reply
dang, is it april already??? LOL
eric
fresno, ca.
Reed | Apr 1, 2008 | Reply
Tom,
So, you know Chip? I have always followed Chip Tanbark’s advice on the industry. He’s a good man but has a terrible haircut; not his fault, he doesn’t reflect in a mirror.
It looks like my Nestle’s stock is going to be a gusher!!
BTW Tom, would you flush your toilet a little less often - they are trying to bottle you know.
Reed
Kentucky Jim | Apr 1, 2008 | Reply
A brilliant piece of investigative journalism… which could only have been pulled off after persistent prodding from yours truly. It’s nice to be the driving force behind such genius.
Loon | Apr 1, 2008 | Reply
Fine article indeed. Was that golf course watered using Squaw Creek “Run off?”
samistopdog | Apr 1, 2008 | Reply
Chandler….
What in the world are you smoking? I believe you need to run that snowblower of yours OUTSIDE, the fumes are getting to you,but you are better looking than the flyfishing chick…so everything is cool.
Tom Chandler | Apr 1, 2008 | Reply
Better looking? Now I know it’s April 1…
Salty | Apr 1, 2008 | Reply
I know it’s April Fool’s but that is definitely in the realm of possibility. Good one Tom
Reid | Apr 8, 2008 | Reply
Check out this headline! “Nestle to buy Fryeburg”
http://www.laconiadailysun.com/pdf/2008/4/1.pdf
Tom Chandler | Apr 8, 2008 | Reply
Excellent.