campaignreel I just voted in the California State Primary, but have the nagging feeling that my primary ballot didn’t matter much, given that none of the contests felt all that relevant.

That’s why – for the first time ever in the history of the polls — the Trout Underground is singlehandedly reforming the Broken American Electoral Process.

Basically, it’s Cut Through The Crap time. Instead of sound bites and double-speak, we’re giving you:

The Super Tuesday Ballot We Wish We’d Been Handed At The Polls

1. The Hell With a Primary, You’re Voting For Absolute Ruler of the Universe (Choose One)
__ The Trout Underground (Hell, I’m already used to wading in it up to my chest)
__ Some Other Asshole

2. The Nestle Referendum: A “Yes” vote entitles Multinational Predator Nestle to all the McCloud water they want, provided they purchase it at the supermarket like everybody else and pay those “higher than gasoline” prices.
__ Yes
__ Yes

3. The Westlands Initiative: A “Yes” vote strongly suggests Westlands Irrigation District Keep Their Damned Hands off the McCloud, Sac, and Pit Rivers, and that Westlands’ leadership enjoy a year of having their own agriculturally polluted, selenium-poisoned runoff piped directly into their own homes.
__ Yes
__ Their lobbyists too

4. The PacifiCorp Proposal: A “Yes” vote directs PacifiCorp to stop trying to extinct the Klamath’s Salmon Runs, puts Warren Buffet on notice that he’s actually looking like more of an asshole than philanthropist, and – should PacifiCorp continue to dally — provides for the purchase of four large houseboats, several truckloads of fertilizer, and a tanker of fuel oil.
__ Yes
__ Yes, but only if I get to watch

5. The Donny Beaver Citizen’s Initiative: Fuck Off.
__ Yes
__ Hell, Yes

6. The Sisikiyou County Board of Supervisors Bond Proposal: A “Yes” vote provides for the issuance of bonds so the Siskiyou County Board of Supervisors can purchase a brain, so egregious stupidity like the Natural Resources Nightmare doesn’t happen again. Any leftover funds will be used to purchase a spine for the Trout Unlimited National Leadership.
__ Yes
__ Why didn’t I think of that?

Electoral Reform, Underground Style

In the Trout Underground Universe, citizen initiatives are welcomed up to the last minute (provided they’re not backed by assholes), so Undergrounders, this is your chance to Reform the Political System and Make A Difference In The World Today. You can choose to:

  • Cast your ballots in the comments section
  • Add any relevant initiatives
  • Ignore this whole post

Vote For ME!

Like any member of the Political Elite, I can’t let a campaign opportunity pass without enumerating my political platform. Which frankly, I don’t really have — beyond saying if elected, I’m:

  • Putting Buster Wants to Fish in charge of salmon and steelhead recovery, but instead of giving them a budget, we’re issuing automatic weapons and military-grade explosives
  • Letting Singlebarbed tinker with the economy until he gets it working right or just gives up
  • Tasking the Fly Fish Chick with restoring common sense and manners to shit
  • Appointing Moldy Chum as Cabinet Minister in Charge of Getting Everyone to Lighten Up
  • I’d put The Day Tripper in charge of something important, but we all know that slacker’s just going to go fishing no matter what we tell him to do, so.
  • And oh yeah, we’re giving Murdock and Hawgdaddy the south, so they can whip this whole drought thing into shape

By now, tears of joy and hope are no doubt streaming down your face. Well, stop! There’s no crying in politics, damnit. There’s only doing! I mean, are you an American’t or an American?

So cast your ballot for the Trout Underground’s Sweeping Election Reforms. We promise to give your vote the same care and attention as the state of Florida.

See you at the polls.

chandlervote
I’m Tom Chandler, and I approve this message

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Posted in Underground Entertainment.