The fly fishing world is awash in them — the endless “Ten ways to be a better nympher and score more babes” articles. You’ve seen them:

Seven Secrets to Catching Bigger Fish.Ten Tips for Better Split Shot Management. The 20 Places You Must Visit if You Need Dumber, Bigger Fish Than You’ve Got at Home. And so on.

People apparently read the hell out of “Top Ten” articles, so naturally, I wanted to cash in too. But what could I write when all the obvious “Top Ten ” ideas are already taken?

With the help of Wally the Wonderdog (and a few of Mt. Shasta Brewery’s finest), I present:

The Six Fly Fishing Hints You Absolutely, Positively, Can’t Live Without — But Will Never Read about in the Fly Fishing Magazines.

1. Never utter the words “This doesn’t look too deep” to your partner before wading in. The best you can hope for is to be right (a rare thing indeed). When you’re wrong, you’ll look like a complete and utter moron. In fact, as you wring out your hat, your fishing “buddy” will likely say “You look like a complete and utter moron.” He’ll be right.

2. Always keep a flask of whiskey close at hand. The ability to brandish a flask of whiskey has saved many a fishing trip from certain doom — especially those involving two or more people. Years ago, I had to repeatedly quick-draw a flask in the face of a muttering, unhappy mob of fly fishers, who were under the impression that I knew (in a literal sense) the way to the lake.

Of course, I knew in a metaphorical sense, but with the flask running low from repeated quickdraws, I thought my goose was cooked, until a glimpse of blue water peeked from around the next corner. No, I didn’t know the lake was there, but I was willing to pretend I did, which was enough for the by-now tipsy members of the party. Trip saved.

3. Carry an empty rod tube in your car (and make sure your spouse sees it). Should you ever indulge in an impulse rod buy that your spouse might find objectionable, you simply carry the new rod into the house safely ensconsed in the old tube, announcing that it was “about time I got all this crap out of my car.” Later, if anyone notices the tube still in the car, simply say you put it back “just in case.”

4. Do not — under any circumstances — use a vacuum cleaner to “tidy up around the rod closet.” I learned this through grim personal experience, but apparently I’m not alone. Remember; the higher the modulus, the faster it breaks.

5. Never watch “Jaws” before going float tubing. That’s all I’m saying.

6. Do NOT eat four slaw dogs before going fishing. Whatever their waterproofing qualities, waders are also adept at trapping gaseous emissions and channelling them skywards — where they can do significant damage to sensitive olfactory equipment. There’s nothing quite like that big, warm, slaw-dog induced Air Bubble of Doom as it works its way up your body in the epidermal version of Sherman’s March on Atlanta. When it finally it bursts through The Wading Belt Barrier, you’re lucky if you only black out.

Of course, that’s only six, and the proper “Ten Tips…” article requires ten. I leave it to the Undergrounders to come up with four more — which I’ll steal (of course), and pitch to the nearest fly fishing magazine (so it can be rejected, and I can

See you at the Ten Tips counter, Tom Chandler.

[tags]fly fishing, fishing, ten tips, slaw dog[/tags]

Posted in Fishing tips, Underground Entertainment.