The Six Indispensable Fly Fishing Hints The Magazines Never Print
By Tom Chandler on Jul 11, 2007 in Fishing tips, Underground Entertainment
The fly fishing world is awash in them — the endless “Ten ways to be a better nympher and score more babes” articles. You’ve seen them:
Seven Secrets to Catching Bigger Fish.Ten Tips for Better Split Shot Management. The 20 Places You Must Visit if You Need Dumber, Bigger Fish Than You’ve Got at Home. And so on.
People apparently read the hell out of “Top Ten” articles, so naturally, I wanted to cash in too. But what could I write when all the obvious “Top Ten ” ideas are already taken?
With the help of Wally the Wonderdog (and a few of Mt. Shasta Brewery’s finest), I present:
The Six Fly Fishing Hints You Absolutely, Positively, Can’t Live Without — But Will Never Read about in the Fly Fishing Magazines.
1. Never utter the words “This doesn’t look too deep” to your partner before wading in. The best you can hope for is to be right (a rare thing indeed). When you’re wrong, you’ll look like a complete and utter moron. In fact, as you wring out your hat, your fishing “buddy” will likely say “You look like a complete and utter moron.” He’ll be right.
2. Always keep a flask of whiskey close at hand. The ability to brandish a flask of whiskey has saved many a fishing trip from certain doom — especially those involving two or more people. Years ago, I had to repeatedly quick-draw a flask in the face of a muttering, unhappy mob of fly fishers, who were under the impression that I knew (in a literal sense) the way to the lake.
Of course, I knew in a metaphorical sense, but with the flask running low from repeated quickdraws, I thought my goose was cooked, until a glimpse of blue water peeked from around the next corner. No, I didn’t know the lake was there, but I was willing to pretend I did, which was enough for the by-now tipsy members of the party. Trip saved.
3. Carry an empty rod tube in your car (and make sure your spouse sees it). Should you ever indulge in an impulse rod buy that your spouse might find objectionable, you simply carry the new rod into the house safely ensconsed in the old tube, announcing that it was “about time I got all this crap out of my car.” Later, if anyone notices the tube still in the car, simply say you put it back “just in case.”
4. Do not — under any circumstances — use a vacuum cleaner to “tidy up around the rod closet.” I learned this through grim personal experience, but apparently I’m not alone. Remember; the higher the modulus, the faster it breaks.
5. Never watch “Jaws” before going float tubing. That’s all I’m saying.
6. Do NOT eat four slaw dogs before going fishing. Whatever their waterproofing qualities, waders are also adept at trapping gaseous emissions and channelling them skywards — where they can do significant damage to sensitive olfactory equipment. There’s nothing quite like that big, warm, slaw-dog induced Air Bubble of Doom as it works its way up your body in the epidermal version of Sherman’s March on Atlanta. When it finally it bursts through The Wading Belt Barrier, you’re lucky if you only black out.
Of course, that’s only six, and the proper “Ten Tips…” article requires ten. I leave it to the Undergrounders to come up with four more — which I’ll steal (of course), and pitch to the nearest fly fishing magazine (so it can be rejected, and I can
See you at the Ten Tips counter, Tom Chandler.
Technorati Tags: fly fishing, fishing, ten tips, slaw dog
hawgdaddy | Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
How about this one:
Never, ever, under any circumstances, get a “real” job. Any ideas you had about living the idyllic fly fishing dream will be smothered quicker than Tom in a cloud of his own vaporous slaw dog emissions.
take care,
hawgdaddy
Insane | Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
Should we actually consider our job a “real” job? For me it’s more of an existence rather than a craving to climb the much overrated corporate ladder. Due to my greedy lusts and wants, I have degraded myself to work under someone else who thinks all employees should have a so called “work ethic”. I wouldn’t say my dreams are totally dead, but rather suppressed for the time being.
Beware the vacuum cleaners!!
good fishing,
Insane
Larry Swearingen | Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
A little addendum to Hint #6:
Dennisnon’s Chili and lot’s of beer the night before don’t go well either. That’s even alleged to damage the waterproofing coating on the inside of the waders.
Larry S
Don | Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
Tom,
Tip #3, “Carry an empty rod tube in your car” is sheer brilliance! If only I had thought of this years ago… the only downside is the car break-ins that would occur if the tube was visible. I’ve been told that people fishing on the American River often have their car widow broken and gear stolen. Perhaps an exploding rod tube for break-ins and an empty rod tube for secret purchases.
kbarton10 | Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
#7 - Never use your credit card at the fly shop
You fooled her with the, “I’ll just be a minute” tossed over your shoulder as you left the car. But the evidence will be thrust in your face later, and you’ll forever lose the ability to complain about the cost of her perms at Salon d’ Expensiv…
Tom Chandler | Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
Many good additions, but we’re sadly still a few shy of a full ten.
No fly fishing magazine would ever go to press with less than a double-digit list article. They have their standards, after all.
hawgdaddy | Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
Here’s another:
When going on a backcountry fishing trip with a friend, never count on him to remember the rainfly for his tent, which, mind you, he insisted on taking instead of your own tent. Although the shower of beautiful little water particles misting down on you every time a rain drop hits the outside of the tent mesmerizes the eye and mind at 3:00 AM on a cold March night, the slow realization that you are slipping off into hypothermia does not.
I suggest taking a tarp on every trip that involves trusting someone else for the tent. Take care,
hawgdaddy
Gentleman Jim | Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
Another, I was never told, but wished I had been:
Never, ever, try to logically explain a new rod purchase. The “Surely you understand that I have a serious gap in my collection for a very slightly slower, but not too slow five weight in a very similar length to the other two” always sounds better as an interior monologue than out loud.
James
Matt Smargiasso | Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
I know it’s stating the obvious, but…
Pee before putting the waders on.
freestoner | Jul 15, 2007 | Reply
Much of successful fishing- especially fly fishing- is about minimizing wasted time. Having recently returned to the art from, I’ve found that most of my frustrations have more to do with what’s encountered when my line is off of the water than when it’s on the water.
so:
7) always leave a margin on your reel spools. It may look neater to fill it to the brim in tight little coils, but your reel doesn’t have a level wind on it, and under actual real-time fishing conditions, you’re bound to be taking up some of your line in big sloppy loops. You don’t need an extra 50 yards of backing- you need another 1/4″ of empty spool at the rim.
8) Use a dab of Pliobond on your line-to-leader nail knots, for crying out loud…it’s a definite help when applied to the blood knots on hand-tied leaders, as well.
9) get that glue out of the hook eyes on your new flies.
10)tie all flies under size #20 to their leader tippets BEFORE you go fishing, and store them in a box designed for that purpose. It’s a lot easier to tie a blood knot than it is to try threading a #22 hook, under any conditions. (But especially at 22 minutes to sunset, and counting…)
I’ve heard that a surgeon’s knot works just as well as a blood knot to connect light leader material that is approximately the same diameter, while being much easier to tie…which should perhaps be tip #11.
I’ll get back to you about that.
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