Let’s face it; fly fishing’s been on a steady downward spiral ever since “A River Runs Through It” largely disappeared from the public view.

The Underground goes Hollywood

For years, the industry enjoyed record growth, mostly based on the huge fraction of the population who believed The Movie was about fly fishing, an idea so far from the truth that the two concepts need an International calling card just to get in touch.

Still, the lesson wasn’t lost on me; with 49% of the American populace reading at or below a 6th grade level, fly fishing’s popularity isn’t being helped by the reams of overwrought prose generated each year by penniless fly fishing writers.

No, to bring back The Good Old Days, what we need is Mass Appeal. And nothing says Mass Appeal like a blockbuster.

So — purely in the interest of taking fly fishing mainstream (again) — here are the Underground’s Top Five Hollywood Movies About Fly Fishing That Should Be Made Right Away.

1. Top Rod
Tom Cruise stars in this thrilling sequel to Top Gun — the unbelievably dumb collection of cinematic cliches, macho posturing and wildly unbelievable characters that made millions.

Here, an older, washed-up Maverick takes one more stab at personal redemption by entering a fly casting distance contest, where his nemesis — played by a black-clad Steve Rajeff nicknamed “Icecast” — competes with him for distance and the love of a starlet wearing a tight skirt and a halter top.

Sure, it’s a pretty dumb concept, but it’s no dumber than Top Gun, Days of Thunder, or most of the other Rocky-style rip-offs out there, and besides, how much do you think Sage would pay for product placement? A lot, we think.

2. The Green Drakes of Hazard
Yeah, we know. It’s dumb, but if it’s one thing we’ve learned from Hollywood, it’s that if you stuff a plot with enough cutoffs and halter tops, you’re talking pure box office.

In this addled epic, Paris Hilton, Brittney Spears, and Ashlee Simpson “fill” the roles of three cutoff-wearing southern women making a road trip to Henry’s Fork in time for the Green Drake hatch.

This allows us to include tired-but-effective plot themes from everything from National Lampoon’s Vacation to Thelma and Louise, and we expect the International Rights alone will put us over $100 million.

Besides, can you imagine what Simms would pay for wader product placement? We can.

3. Bambo
Everybody else has cashed in on the suffering of Vietnam Vets, so why not us? In this explosion-laced thriller, a psychotic, bamboo-fishing trout bum lives a quiet life in the Montana backwoods — until an Evil Energy Company arrives, looking to drill coal/methane wells on his land (unfairly taken by eminent domain).

With Bambo pushed to the brink by the destruction of his entire collection of Paynes and Garrisons by smarmy, suit-wearing bad guys, much violence ensues. The movie climaxes in the low-modulus pistol whipping of the evil energy company executive with the butt section of a Granger 8642.

We’re still looking for a way to cram a few well-stuffed halter tops into this plot, but I’m sure we’ll find it. And imagine how much William Joseph would pay for vest product placement when we do.

4. Harry Potter and the Multi-Modulus, Four-Piece, Boron Wand of Fire
We need something aimed squarely at the kid’s market, and this concept’s so good, it almost writes itself. This would be standard Harry Potter fare, though the kids are older and the “bad” wizards would be amazonian women in halter tops.

Think Orvis would pay for product placement, thereby locking up the next generation of fly fishers? They’d be fools not to.

5. Pirates of the Caribbean: Bonefish Ahoy!
In this sun-drenched epic, a key that unlocks a huge trove of pirate treasure has been attached to the fin of a bonefish, which was then released on the flats of a remote island.

The only way for Sexy Pirate Captain Jack Sparrow to claim the treasure is to catch the bonefish (using Scott 8wts and Tibor reels, of course). Much pirate hilarity ensues.

Sure, the plot sucks, but Johnny Depp’s so good, who’d care? Product dollars galore on this one — everything from airlines to lodges to the above-mentioned Scott and Tibor.

Of course, suggestions from the Underground’s Brain Trust (that’s you) are encouraged, though remember these two things:

  • Halter tops
  • The idea was mine, so I get the biggest trailer

The pitch floor is all yours, Undergrounders. Fire away.

[tags]fly fishing, fishing, a river runs through it, movie[/tags]

Posted in Underground Entertainment.