The Five Fly Fishing Movies That Should be Made Immediately
By Tom Chandler on Jun 5, 2007 in Underground Entertainment
Let’s face it; fly fishing’s been on a steady downward spiral ever since “A River Runs Through It” largely disappeared from the public view.
For years, the industry enjoyed record growth, mostly based on the huge fraction of the population who believed The Movie was about fly fishing, an idea so far from the truth that the two concepts need an International calling card just to get in touch.
Still, the lesson wasn’t lost on me; with 49% of the American populace reading at or below a 6th grade level, fly fishing’s popularity isn’t being helped by the reams of overwrought prose generated each year by penniless fly fishing writers.
No, to bring back The Good Old Days, what we need is Mass Appeal. And nothing says Mass Appeal like a blockbuster.
So — purely in the interest of taking fly fishing mainstream (again) — here are the Underground’s Top Five Hollywood Movies About Fly Fishing That Should Be Made Right Away.
1. Top Rod
Tom Cruise stars in this thrilling sequel to Top Gun — the unbelievably dumb collection of cinematic cliches, macho posturing and wildly unbelievable characters that made millions.
Here, an older, washed-up Maverick takes one more stab at personal redemption by entering a fly casting distance contest, where his nemesis — played by a black-clad Steve Rajeff nicknamed “Icecast” — competes with him for distance and the love of a starlet wearing a tight skirt and a halter top.
Sure, it’s a pretty dumb concept, but it’s no dumber than Top Gun, Days of Thunder, or most of the other Rocky-style rip-offs out there, and besides, how much do you think Sage would pay for product placement? A lot, we think.
2. The Green Drakes of Hazard
Yeah, we know. It’s dumb, but if it’s one thing we’ve learned from Hollywood, it’s that if you stuff a plot with enough cutoffs and halter tops, you’re talking pure box office.
In this addled epic, Paris Hilton, Brittney Spears, and Ashlee Simpson “fill” the roles of three cutoff-wearing southern women making a road trip to Henry’s Fork in time for the Green Drake hatch.
This allows us to include tired-but-effective plot themes from everything from National Lampoon’s Vacation to Thelma and Louise, and we expect the International Rights alone will put us over $100 million.
Besides, can you imagine what Simms would pay for wader product placement? We can.
3. Bambo
Everybody else has cashed in on the suffering of Vietnam Vets, so why not us? In this explosion-laced thriller, a psychotic, bamboo-fishing trout bum lives a quiet life in the Montana backwoods — until an Evil Energy Company arrives, looking to drill coal/methane wells on his land (unfairly taken by eminent domain).
With Bambo pushed to the brink by the destruction of his entire collection of Paynes and Garrisons by smarmy, suit-wearing bad guys, much violence ensues. The movie climaxes in the low-modulus pistol whipping of the evil energy company executive with the butt section of a Granger 8642.
We’re still looking for a way to cram a few well-stuffed halter tops into this plot, but I’m sure we’ll find it. And imagine how much William Joseph would pay for vest product placement when we do.
4. Harry Potter and the Multi-Modulus, Four-Piece, Boron Wand of Fire
We need something aimed squarely at the kid’s market, and this concept’s so good, it almost writes itself. This would be standard Harry Potter fare, though the kids are older and the “bad” wizards would be amazonian women in halter tops.
Think Orvis would pay for product placement, thereby locking up the next generation of fly fishers? They’d be fools not to.
5. Pirates of the Caribbean: Bonefish Ahoy!
In this sun-drenched epic, a key that unlocks a huge trove of pirate treasure has been attached to the fin of a bonefish, which was then released on the flats of a remote island.
The only way for Sexy Pirate Captain Jack Sparrow to claim the treasure is to catch the bonefish (using Scott 8wts and Tibor reels, of course). Much pirate hilarity ensues.
Sure, the plot sucks, but Johnny Depp’s so good, who’d care? Product dollars galore on this one — everything from airlines to lodges to the above-mentioned Scott and Tibor.
Of course, suggestions from the Underground’s Brain Trust (that’s you) are encouraged, though remember these two things:
- Halter tops
- The idea was mine, so I get the biggest trailer
The pitch floor is all yours, Undergrounders. Fire away.
Technorati Tags: fly fishing, fishing, a river runs through it, movie
Snowbug | Jun 5, 2007 | Reply
Dumb and Dumber.
It’s about a fish (dumb) and the guy who tries to catch him with a poor imiation of a fly (Dumber)
OK. Pathetic. But it’s SOMETHING.
Capt Gordon | Jun 5, 2007 | Reply
Bull Durham Ranger-
Crash has beeen retired from baseball for a long time and now Nuke finallly calls it quits after years in “The Show”. Wouldn’t you know it but Crash is now a flyfishing guide/outfitter in Alaska. Nuke decides it would be fun to visit his old buddy. He goes up to Dillingham and they fight over the girl in the bar wearing a bikini and halter top (the only girl in Dillingham) and Crash has to teach Nuke the ways of the flyrod and hilarity ensues (as well as girls in bikinis) etc…
Tom Chandler | Jun 5, 2007 | Reply
Jim Carey. He’d be magic with a fly rod. Comedy magic.
And wow — I can’t believe I ignored the always-reliable baseball movie. What was I thinking? Baseball’s a reliable demographic.
Of course, plot hints and devices are welcome too; it’s not as if everyone has to come up with a movie pitch, though you won’t get a percentage of the gross if you don’t…
kbarton10 | Jun 5, 2007 | Reply
CHAR WARS -
Luke rejoins Carrie Fischer (fresh from rehab) and exhumes a decaying Alec Guiness to fight for his ancestral legacy, a booth in Seattle’s fish market.
The Imperials, a methamphetamine smoking 50’s biker gang - is intent on extorting the remaining villagers…er …vendors, unless a hero emerges from their midst.
“Yogurt” - a 60’s burnout who collects aluminum cans from fishmarket trash, gives Luke a Kurt Cobain autographed swizzle stick, and informs him of his destiny…
kbarton10 | Jun 5, 2007 | Reply
DYE HARD
Retired Chief of Detectives, John McLane is struggling with the proper tint of Blue Dun for his cream Metz necks. Angry and frustrated, he peruses the RIT selection of his local SuperSol market - and overhears an insidious plot to replace Land O’ Lakes margerine with pure TransFat.
Rolling Stone guitarist, Keith Richards, plays the evil Nestle subsidiary CEO - who secretly covets the entire Hudson River drainage for use in a new vitamin water.
Gripping action adventure drama, accented by the stone-faced Bruce Willis, who uses Kung-fu, Gun-fu, and Margerine-fu, to expose the Nestle Menace, and restore the NY bagel imbalance.
kbarton10 | Jun 5, 2007 | Reply
DEEP THROAT, DUH!
Paris Hilton stars in this amateur farce about the struggles of a woman deckhand in the Alaskan King Crab fleet.
This airy bit of fluff is filled with memorable lines like, “..he don’t smell like fish, he smells like Money.”
(As it is the only line of dialog in the movie, it is memorable, dammit!)
Lots of out-of-focus film noir moments, featuring a variety of directorial talent, plenty of fishing for flys, poor lighting, and a throbbing soundtrack suitable for an elevator near you.
Tom Chandler | Jun 5, 2007 | Reply
Below comes from Alert Underground Reader in Shanghai Mitch, who sent it via e-mail:
Combine Chess with Fly Fishing. (I didn’t say it was a good idea; but it competes with what’s on the table.)
Do a “Searching for Bobby Fish” thingie, with some sub-headlines involving “Upper Sac and Mate” or some such.
You can even have the usual innuendoes about how salmon are luckier than chessplayers; they at least get a chance to spawn before they die…
Scott | Jun 5, 2007 | Reply
Flying Bamboo Rods of Death
Get Bruce Lee (okay damnit, I KNOW he’s dead, but wouldn’t he be perfect?) and tell the story about a boy and his uncle who owns a small bamboo rod shop in China and the thugs that come into town one day to collect “protection” money. They rough up uncle up a bit and break some rods. After a few encounters where Bruce (or someone like him) promises not to fight, he finally has enough and uses fly rods, flies, nets and forceps as lethal weapons to thwart the evil doers. If you close your eyes you can just see the carnage. Heeee-yaa!!!
TeeRex (aka Mitch) | Jun 6, 2007 | Reply
Some other intriguing titles:
The Awful Truth (why mess with a winner?)
Fillet Blade Runner
It’s a Wonderful Fly
Wadin’ in the Rain (Dance THAT, Sucka!)
Unforgivable
And who could speak out against a remake of “The Fly” with some real dry fly action?
Then there’s the ultimate horror fishing film of all time:
“The Return of the Revenge of Frankenstein’s Rod Strikes Back, Part 13″
T
(Ya know, I can’t believe that people from all around the world are wasting time, er, contributing to this thread…)
Murdock | Jun 6, 2007 | Reply
I have nothing substantial to contribute (as usual)but must say that this is some of the best stuff I have read this year.
Lee
Tom Chandler | Jun 6, 2007 | Reply
Thanks Murdock. If anyone has a digg or stumbleupon account, this would be a good time to use it.
flytimes | Jun 6, 2007 | Reply
Point Drake
A federal Officer goes under cover to infiltrate a gang of bank robbing trout bums who travel the worlld looking for the perfect hatch.
Tom Chandler | Jun 6, 2007 | Reply
People, people! (I can’t work like this!)
Don’t make me state the obvious; no Hollywood movie pitch (the “elevator pitch” for those of us in the know) can possibly succeed if it lacks… sex.
Also, no movie gets out of the conference room without star power, so it helps to look at actors. My “Bambo” epic? I’m thinking Matt Damon, or even me because I’m so damned hot.
And “hot” means box office.
Undergrounders, you may resume your feeding frenzy.
kbarton10 | Jun 6, 2007 | Reply
SILKTHREAD -
Wherein an aspiring Marketing copyrighter is exposed to toxic waste while wading his favorite spring creek.
As part of his lengthy recovery process, he exposes the Evil of the Nestle Corporation; their indiscriminate clubbing of baby seals, gill netting of dolphins, and their plan for harvesting the last remaining stands of Old Growth forest.
Mobilizing a ragtag cadre of ardent sportsment, our hero attempts to reclaim the watershed and perserve the balance of nature.
kbarton10 | Jun 6, 2007 | Reply
Damn little sex, but their was one meaningful tryst with a dolphin…
Tom Chandler | Jun 6, 2007 | Reply
kbarton: Where the hell are my superpowers? I’m exposed to toxics, but I don’t develop the ability to fly, shoot webs out my wrists, or move buses with my mind or something??
Your future in Hollywood is disappearing fast.
I’m thinking “Fantastic Four: The Rise of Tailing Loop” or something like that.
Naturally, I’d play myself, and Pamela Anderson would be the hot-but-sexually repressed microbiologist whose clothes deteriorate as the movie progresses…
TeeRex (aka Mitch) | Jun 6, 2007 | Reply
Sex? You think Sex sells? Then what are you doing with all the fishing (not to mention writing) ?? Besides, every title and story line I’ve given you would suffer nothing from the excessive addition of gratuitious sex and violence. (There, you forgot what Really Sells: Sex AND Violence.)
T
Fishing Jones | Jun 6, 2007 | Reply
Good Quill Hunting–Everyone in the fly shop thinks Ben Affleck is a retard until he secretly starts tying mathematically impossible fly creations. Oh wait, Affleck actually is the retard, it’s Damon who ties the flies. Then he goes on to fight globalization with Bob Popovics or something.
Shakes the Clown II–The Citizen Kane of alcholic clown movies makes a sequel, this time with Bobcat Goldthwait as a down on his luck drunken fishing guide in Palookaville. He never catches any fish and throws up a lot, but they still beat up a lot of mimes.
Almost Famous–The story of a nerdy young blogger who almost gets laid by one of the numberous “celebrity fly fishing personality” groupies. Because if there’s any bunch of people that attract groupies, it’s celebrity fly fishing personalities.
Texas Buzzbait Massacre–The Angling Exploration Group runs into trouble filming “Trout Bum Diaries III: The Texas Panhandle Two-Step” when a deranged and jealous Hoot and Flakes disable their minivan and try to strangle the Group with garrots made of 20-pound braided.
Scarface–No Pacino, no blow, no “little friends,” just a short film on some loser who hooks himself in the jowl with a sculpin, but then has it backed out by Jessica Alba in waders.
Tom Chandler | Jun 6, 2007 | Reply
Some truly quality stuff here — and excellent coverage of most of the blockbuster genres. In fact, I can’t believe the Hollywood studios haven’t called. Those egomaniacal assholes simply don’t understand talent when they see it.
Still, a few holes left to be plugged.
kbarton10 | Jun 6, 2007 | Reply
STREAMGIRLS -
TC, a long suffering VietNam vet, is recalled to active duty to escort a Star n’ Stripes photographer ( and a bevy of taut, tanned, and lithsome beauties ) into the Alaskan outback for a swimwear photo shoot.
Calling on his Green Beret medic skills, our hero must extract assorted barbed fly-thingies from lacy undergarments and thongs.
Unfortunately, in wading out to rescue Miss Alabama from a mosquito bite, he slips on a rock and is knocked unconcious.
He awakens to find a really angry L&T Nancy, thrusting a vacuum in his direction, with the commandment that, “he had better earn his keep around here PDQ - or dinner was going to be the Cold Shoulder of Mutton.”
As the movie fades to black, his erstwhile loyal dog Wally, leaps onto the couch and occupies the warm spot TC vacated. ( I swear that dog is smiling.)
kbarton10 | Jun 6, 2007 | Reply
Beverly Hills Guide II -
After suffering a traumatic amputation of his little toe, via a misguided trolling motor battery, Axel Chandler is close to missing a payment on his palacial residence in Dunsmuir.
As trout season is over, and nearly penniless, our intrepid hero is forced to guide pre-teen starlets through the shark infested haunts of Rodeo Drive.
Stuttering his way through “Manolo Blahnek” and “single-short-half-caff-latte” - Axel is able to avoid the unpardonable sins of haute couture, and equip his charge(s) with appropriate attire for the MTV People’s Choice Awards.
Unfortunately, he is arrested on a morals charge, shortly thereafter.
Joe Beelart | Jun 7, 2007 | Reply
“Casino Royale Coachman”
A dapper dude with a Bretling, Bentley, and fine collection of bamboo on his way to the Deschutes bumps into a treacherous blonde bimbo wearing a diamond encrusted halter top and absetos lined cutoffs.
After a lot of gambling, and whammy, and action with neferous bait fishers he finds himself recoperating during the Metolius salmonfly hatch and decides the babe is just not worth the trouble.
There are so many product buy-in’s to this flick that Tom Chandler retires to Northern California to lead the life of a gentleman flyfisher.
Steve | Jun 7, 2007 | Reply
Don’t ignore the horror genre–
The Fly — Trying to develop low cost transportation to remote fishing locations, a fly fishing scientist’s DNA is mixed with that of a mayfly. Becoming a mayfly with a man’s head, he is hunted by the very fish he stalked.
American Were-Wulff in London — While on vacation in England, an American flyfisher is bitten by a werewolf while trespassing on a chalk stream. He is internally conflicted. He wants to convey his passion for both attractor flies and catch and release fishing to the english, but realizes the hypocrisy of releasing fish yet eating people…. He decides to just focus on attractor flies.
Tom Chandler | Jun 7, 2007 | Reply
Wait! Have we forgotten the techno-thriller?
The Hunt for Red October Caddis
The Russians invent a stealth… aw, the hell with it. Get Sean Connery, throw in a couple others, add cold-war era tech weapons, some gunplay, and bam — we’ve got a movie.
Apparently we’re not a very sensitive bunch around here, so I’m going to suggest a tender, intellectual kind of movie:
Little Dry Fly Man Tate
Features Jodie Foster (and yes, I love Jodie Foster) as the mother of a tiny dry fly fishing prodigy, whose commitment to dry flies is being tested by an assortment of “establishment” characters who advocate nymphing.
No bimbos in this one, but that’s why it’s a movie for intellectuals.
Whew! That’s a good morning’s spitballing. Who’s doing lunch? Warm up the Hummer, I’ll be out as soon as I get my clip-on ponytail attached…
tom | Jun 7, 2007 | Reply
Humpy Dumpty
Story of a yellow humpy unable to stay on the surface film. Or maybe he was slurpped
kbarton10 | Jun 8, 2007 | Reply
Because nobody was man enough, it’s left up to me..
RODLESS IN SEATTLE
Tom Hanks, grieving over the loss of his spouse, moves to Seattle at the height of the Steelhead season.
Darius “Annie” Razore, a transexual longshoreman from Albuquerque, overhears a tearful plea for tackle, while plucking his eyebrows at a biker bar.
Hank’s son - angry with his Father because he is required to do homework, selects Darius’s letter from a stack of well wishing missives, and insists to his Poppa, “I want this one! (snicker)”
…ok, I’ll stop now…
Tom Chandler | Jun 9, 2007 | Reply
There we go; this was easily one of the highest comment counts in the Underground’s history, and pretty much all the comments had some meat to ‘em — no matter how disturbed and frightening the content.
Of course, after I steal the best ideas, become rich and famous in Hollywood, buy a spring creek in Montana (if not most of a river), forget the little people, and fish on my private water every day.
Anyone who wants to contribute to that gold-leaf lifestyle should feel free to post any other movie ideas here. I’ll see to it you get a percentage of the net.
Capt Gordon | Jun 9, 2007 | Reply
Make sure you save this one and put it someplace special.
Tom Chandler | Jun 9, 2007 | Reply
I should set up a Hall of Fame page on the blog. Maybe get to it next week.