When Squirrels Attack!

Our forest-green friend Ranger Gord is back blogging, and his latest post covers a great deal of ground, including an Enquirer-credibility-level report of a gang of Russian squirrels attacking and dismembering a large dog.

Still - while he exhibited narrow vision by rejecting my plan to train bears to attack humans offering them food - he has made some excellent points (and more importantly, he included recipes).

Especially chilling are his thoughts on squirrels’ growing comfort with humans, and how we might someday find ourselves under siege from squirrels with a taste for human flesh.

His plan? Simple, but brilliant:

After some extensive research, I determined that squirrel attacks were virtually non-existent in the Southern United States. What is different about the South, you ask? People in the South eat squirrels! I believe that in order to solve the squirrel crisis in the west, people must start eating squirrels, lots of squirrels.

He follows up with some extremely tasty squirrel recipes, including Wild Buttery Squirrel, Squirrel Fricassee, and even Squirrel Sorbet.

Taken in its entirety, it’s an excellently researched article about the Looming Squirrel Menace to Our Way of Life, though he’s clearly unwilling to make the final step in logic that would bring this problem into focus.

Fortunately, at the Underground we’re not afraid to make the tough calls the other Outdoor Blogs won’t.

In this case, behind the scenes there clearly lurks a single squirrel mastermind, coordinating squirrel attacks from Palo Alto to Russia. Clearly, this is the work of a squirrel terrorist. A squirrel with an attitude.

Yup. You guessed it. Osama Bin Squirrel. When will the mainstream media do their jobs?

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